I just saw a hot homeless man
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
