One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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