Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
