I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
