I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
