So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
