her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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