I am spending my child support on dildos
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
