So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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