i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
