You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
