Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
