Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
