New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
