Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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