someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
