Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
