Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
