Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
