you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Also, beer. Big fan.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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