i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
