So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
