I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
