that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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