I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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