your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
