I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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