i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
