as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
