I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
