Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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