failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
