I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
