my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
