Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
