On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
