omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
