What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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