Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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