Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Green mimosas i think yes
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
