I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Shitshow foam night was such a success
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
