he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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