I'm gonna have a badass scar
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
