the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
