Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
