I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
