Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
