i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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