it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
