Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
