I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
