sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
