There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
