Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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