My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
